I can’t talk. I’m getting scared to open my mouth because nobody cares for what comes out. Maybe when my thumbs move and fingers fly it isn’t all that bad. Maybe when I sit silently writing my heart like blood spilling on a page it’s ok. But when I speak, my words…. They are lost.
They fall where ears haven’t heard them or where they hurt someone. Maybe I should just shut up. But I don’t know how. Stupid mouth. Stupid brain. Stupid heart. I just want someone to fall back on, who understands at least 80% of the time. But maybe that’s not you. Maybe it never will be.
Will you ever read this? Will you ever know just how bad you broke me on accident because you couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, didn’t try?
Of course you aren’t ever going to hear this. But it feels good to put it up somewhere. I know you don’t mean to, but I’m not perfect. I’m crying even as I write because I really want to know you care even when I’m not funny and when I don’t feel like talking about cats and when I don’t want to do what you do. It’s so easy to feel left out.
One of the reasons I’m not sharing this with you is because I don’t trust myself to not care at the slightest hint of laughter without me. But I wish I was just the Lord’s and only His. That’s why this gets anonymously written and set aside. I’m done feeling this way. But if I ever do again, I come here. I’ll drop my tears and leave them. I’ll then turn and go to my Lord and ask for His strength to face my pain. This pain isn’t Him. This pain is the enemy.
This letter is going into the void, never to make a difference in what happens between you and me. This letter is going into the stars, where it floats, lost in space without gravity to pull it into someone’s hands. This letter is my tears. This letter is my pain.
Goodbye, pain. Goodbye, tears. I’m going to leave you in the stars. I’m done with this pain.
Goodbye, you. I’ll see you again, but this time it doesn’t matter what you think. Or if it does, I’ll throw it into the void, into the stars. And I’ll smile until I want to smile, and I’ll seek the Lord until I’m found in Him.