Dear Dad (#2)

It has been a few months since you’ve moved out.
Let me tell you, so much has changed.

{read the first part of this letter here}

I feel so much better, but at the same time, a lot more hurt and confused. I started to realize that it wasn’t just you who had been abusing me emotionally, but my very own brother as well. You taught him of course, but it some ways, it hurt more with my brother than you because I actually trusted him. I actually believed that he was kind. It really started when he got older. He would talk down to me, make me feel stupid. We would go on three hour long drives where I would sit in complete silence and listen to him lecture me. Tell me not to do all the things he was doing. Tell me everything about his life. Talk about why he doesn’t like Mom. Get mad at me when I contradicted him. Never let me have an opinion. Was always right. Never asked me about my life. Never apologized when he hurt my feelings. Guilt-tripped me for things he did to me. It was never-ending. When I told him the news about Mom and Dad splitting, and Dad being mean to me, he got angry. Told me it was my fault. Yelled at me. Insulted me. Insulted Mom. I called him a week or so later to try and fix things, to say “You really hurt me, you weren’t there for me”, but no. He told me I was a “crappy sister, and was doing a crappy thing to her brother” by telling him that he hurt my feelings. He said that “he was there for me”. He yelled at me again. I hung up on him. He still has never apologized. He was never kind, he was cruel. You made him like this, Dad. But it really makes me sad that he is no longer under your control, yet he still choses to be like this. I lived in this environment as well, and I chose to not be like you. My brother, unfortunately, hasn’t. Life still goes on, but it is very confusing. Now you are trying to get better, trying to connect. I still can’t trust you though. I can’t help but feel guilty for turning you away, though I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I have to make so many decisions it’s overwhelming. I feel like I can’t win no matter what I do. I feel that I don’t fit in anywhere. This season in my life has changed me forever. I already think very differently, in abstract ways, and overthink things to the point it appears stupid, and a lot of times, even overwhelms me! In the past, when I shared my thoughts with others, they either looked at me like I was a total weirdo, or just completely misunderstood. In order to avoid that, I have to say things that are expected, act in a “normal” way. But I’m not “normal”. Is anyone really? I feel like I hiding a part of myself that even I don’t understand! Talking to people is really hard for me. I’m not good at small talk. I’m not good at making friends. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s real or what’s a front. I either trust too easily, or don’t trust at all. I thought I was making progress, moving forward, but it turns out I am more angry and heartbroken than I thought. Every aspect of my life, I am at war with myself. God is still good, though. He is getting me through this, step by step. Please pray for me.

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